I have had an absolute rollercoaster of a year and it is only June. It's not be an easy time and I really wish I had documented it more so I could look back during the good times and remember that, the next time I'm in a low point, it's not forever.
I had such high hopes for 2017 but just over a month into it, every thing started to kind of fall apart around me, or at least it felt that way at the time. So...let's talk about it.
On the 4th of January I started my "final" school placement (those air quotes will make sense in a minute....although it's probably pretty obvious what's happened...) and I was still full of the confidence I had gained in the last year. I was to be in a Year 1 class which was a year group I had always loved and had ached for when I was in a Nursery class the year before. I started settling in well and getting to know the children and they were really a lovely class.
I thought this would be it, this would be the year I would Find Myself as a teacher and fully come in to my own. Oh, how wrong I was.
It was very clear early on that the class teacher I was working with was not happy that I am shy and it takes me some time to feel comfortable and to be myself around new people. I could tell immediately she was trying to turn me into a mini-me, despite reassuring me that "you don't have to be a loudmouth like me all the time". She told me to "just dont be shy! Come out of your shell!" OH WOW DAMN I AM CURED. The more she demanded I stopped being so shy, the more introverted I became. I knew then, probably two weeks in, that I would not make it through this placement without having a breakdown.
I don't want to bore you with all the details because it is a very very long and complicated story but the long and the short of it is, 4 and half weeks in, I was told I had failed. I was told that, because of my lack of confidence, it was unlikely that by the end of the 12 weeks there I would be ready to lead a class of my own. And they were right. I had had my confidence knocked daily while I was there and had basically no support from anyone.
I was lost.
The version of me that walked into that school in January was not the same person that walked out just after 11am on that day in February. I had been completely shaken and terrified at the thought of teaching again.
It would have been so easy to give up there and then. To drop out. To accept the signs that I was not meant to be a teacher. But mama didn't raise a quitter. I did what I had to, I went to see my head of year, I spoke to her about my options and I submitted a request for a resit.
Then I had almost two months of nothing. Let me tell you, when you're not in a great place anyway, staying at home day in, day out, hearing how well all of your friends are doing and seeing their job offers for September trickle in, that hurts.
Fast forward to May 15th. For my final module at uni we were put into groups and asked to plan a project day in a school. I'd known about this for a while but it wasn't until this day, 3 days before we would be going into schools, that it hit me. I was so scared to be in a classroom and on my walk from the library to the bus stop after our final planning meeting, I just burst into tears. I had convinced myself that I was an awful teacher, how was I ever going to get through the day? I'd convinced myself that I'd got throught my first two placements just on fluke, just because my teachers and tutors didn't have the guts to tell me I was terrible.
As it turns out, it was fine. Of course it was. I'd let snide little comments get to me too much and not remembered that I can actually do this. I just needed a good day, and I had one. My confidence bar was on the up!
As part of the terms to resitting placement was that I had to complete four weeks experience in a school, which I have just finished today and I honestly cannot describe the 180 my confidence has done. I wish I'd written down how I was feeling before I started so I can compare, but I know it was so anxious and terrified and all of those negative feelings, dreading being in front of 30 6 year olds.
The first time I taught them on my own, I was actually shaking, something I don't think had ever happened (apart from the observation where I was told I had failed). In the end it went well, they all knew what I was wanting them to do and no one said they didnt understand and the teacher didn't tell me I was awful!!!
Four weeks done, and I think my confidence is at an all time high. I am so ready to get my resit done and dusted so that, come January (the second I am qualified) I can get a job and finally LIVE MY DREAM.
So it's not been easy, but I'm getting there. Of course I was devastated and frustrated when it all happened but I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and this wasn't my time. The only bit of heartbreak left to face is graduation day. Or, at least, what should have been my graduation day. I know it's going to absolutely break my heart to see all my pals in their caps and gowns without me and it makes me tear up now thinking about it. I'll get through it. It's just one day and in January that will be me. It's still 6 months away but I will get there and you can bet your bottom dollar it'll be all over my social media.
I wrote this for myself mostly. I want this to look back on if I have a bad day at placement in the Autumn and I begin doubting everything. But now all 2 of my loyal readers know where my head's at. You're welcome.
I'd like to leave you with some lovely and supportive things the woman who was meant to be my mentor on placement said to me:
"teaching is about spinning lots of plates at the same time and at the moment, you're spinning one and not very well at that"
"well it wasn't awful....but it wasn't great either"
Cheers mate.
